It can definitely be hard to get over a breakup with someone that you’ve grown accustomed to having in your life. It feels as if they’ve become a part of you and it can be hard to imagine what you would do without that person in your life.
Read on for some tips on getting over your breakup with that ex-special person.
Know Why You’re Doing It
This point is key. You have to know why you’re doing something in order for it to stick. So why are you and this person no longer together?
Did the other person decide that you’re not what they’re looking for, as harsh as that may sound? It may be difficult but in that case, you have to respect their wish. Viewing it from their point of view may make it little easier to understand. Would you want someone forcing themselves on you after you’ve told them you’re not interested in them in a romantic way? So it’s the same thing for the other person. They’ve made up their mind and you have to respect them enough to believe that they know their own mind. The advice from the following quote is perfect in this situation:
“Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. If they can’t see the real value of you, it’s time for a new start.” – Unknown
Understandably, you may want to know the reason behind their decision but just be aware that more often than not, there won’t be a reason given that makes the situation more bearable for you.
Now if you’re the one initiating the split, the process will be a little easier because you (hopefully) know why you’re doing it. Did the person cheat on you? Are they emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive? Do they take you for granted? Have you discussed your issues with them on more than one occasion and everything is still the same? (Physical abuse is not one of those issues that should be discussed on several occasions. The first offense is reason enough to leave.)
Now think about how their actions make you feel. Do their actions make you feel unworthy of love, used, or unsure of yourself, for example? Going deeper than just saying sad or mad gives your emotions more weight, more validation. You can print out the accompanying worksheet and write down your reason(s) there. Writing it down will serve as a reminder to you and will give you a reason to stand your ground when you feel your resolve to stay away from this person start to crumble.
Change Your Mindset
This is another crucial point. You have to change the way you think of that person. So instead of thinking of them as “the boyfriend”, they are now “a friend” or “an acquaintance” or “someone that I used to know”. This mindset shift will help change your expectations. For example, would you expect an acquaintance to call or text you every day because they were thinking about you? Not really. In that same vein, when you mentally move that person from “the boyfriend” to “an acquaintance”, you no longer expect the same behaviors from them and this can help you cope with the feelings of loss that you are working through. Fill out how you will change your mindset here.
Find Replacement Activities
Was Thursday night your date night? Did you guys go for an early morning jog on Mondays? Unless you find something else to occupy your time during those periods, you will undoubtedly feel overcome with feelings of sadness and loneliness.
What activities have you been meaning to try but never got around to? Is there a yoga studio that you’ve been dying to try out? Or maybe you were looking for the time to join a book club. Were you interested in learning how to crochet or how to dance salsa? You can start participating in those activities during your newly opened time slots. Don’t forget to fill out your potential replacement activities on your worksheet.
Don’t Be Afraid of Solitude
What a lot of people fear is being alone, being by themselves. But solitude does not have to be a bad thing.
“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” – Rollo May
Put your solitude to good use. Use it as a time for introspection, a time to listen to your innermost self. You may be surprised and pleased by what you discover.
When we’re in the company of others often, it pushes away our awareness or perception of the things that make us an individual because we’re so focused on being present with the person we are interacting with. So when we take advantage of our alone time, we become more cognizant of our own qualities and traits and our likes and dislikes. This self-knowledge will assist us in the future with making decisions that are more in line with who we truly are and will ultimately make us happier as a result.
TIP: Don’t rush into the arms of someone else right away; that’s just a subconscious way of avoiding having to work through your feelings.
Build a New Support System
Who was the person you shared your bad days with, your great ideas with, your dreams, and your frustrations with? Chances are, your answer is: your ex. So in order to resist the urge to call them up when you have a bad day, you need to build a new support system for yourself.
Think of the people in your life who could possibly step in as emotional sounding boards. The beauty of creating a new support system is that it doesn’t have to be just one person. Different people can help in different ways. Maybe one person is great at calming you down, another one is great for encouraging you, and someone else is great for being silly with. When you make your list of the people who will make up your support system, be sure to make a note of why they are perfect for that role.
Be Firm When the Booty Call Requests Come In
We all have…um…needs. And it can be hard to say no to satisfying those persistent urges when the request is coming from someone we were on intimate terms with and we’re feeling lonely, dejected, or rejected. But I’m telling you that the relief you feel from giving into that urge will fade quickly and will be replaced by a cheapened feeling once you realize that your ex was only satisfying a physical itch and not hoping to rekindle anything with you. Or you might find yourself in a recurring friends with benefit cycle that won’t allow you guys to truly let go of each other and you will therefore be stuck together without being able to grow and find relationships that may suit you better.
Quick Question: Why should he get the benefits without putting in the work?
So have you decided what you’re going to say when he asks for some cookie or when you feel tempted to call him over because you are in need of some intimacy? You can jot it down on your worksheet.
TIP: Maybe look into some adult toys that can help you when you feel in need of some relief.
Don’t let this experience embitter you. Every experience in life can be a lesson, what did you learn from this one? What do you now require from your next relationship? What warning signals will you now be more aware of? Make note of them in your worksheet.